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Visitor Survey

June – July 2001

June 2nd, 2001

Migraine(s) persisting. Unsure by journal if this is the same migraine or if it has been somewhat helped by whatever GP has prescribed. Again beginning to feel sick, potentially a cold.

11:45 AM

“I feel really ill right now. Out of no where … I feel sick. I think I am fevery and I must lie down. I started an email and by the end … I felt really nauseated and my head feels warm … I feel really sick.”

June 6th, 2001

“I find more and more that … I am disconnected. I’ve had the seizures three nights in a row … so scary last night that my neck hurt and my ear throbbed and I’m not sure what exactly I did. I know my head snapped back and forth … but it’s kind of a vague memory. My neck is sore today … my shoulders are tense and painful. I feel like it’s going to continue tonight … I know it will. I was sitting in the laundry room and I started to get muscle twitches and as I tried to close my eyes to relax … I felt my body kind of lurch. I got scared so I tried to move around a bit and not relax … so as not to have a seizure on the counter and fall off.

But back to being disconnected. I am having this fucked up relationship w/ my body … my head is getting worse … in ways that scare me and I’m not sure will make sense if I try to explain. I feel like … I am only some what present in reality … enough to look normal but not enough to be normal. And I find I say strange disconnected things that seem fine to me but people look at me odd when I say them…”

June 11th, 2011

7:53 pm

“ I am having more seizures and my hands are starting to fail on me. This last week as the seizures have gotten worse my hands have started to turn colors … have lost a considerable amount of their strength and they are sore and almost … numb like. I was sitting up last night fully awake when I had two totally random seizures and this strangest pains in my head I think I’ve ever had.”

“After only a few minutes w/ my therapist … I think she knew that it wasn’t improving. She asked if a medical leave mightbe good for me after all. She said she didn’t want me to be alone or idle but on the other hand she wanted me to take break and try some medicine and get myself feeling better asap because m state of mind was becoming worrisome. She said she though that hospitalization might be a good idea and as I sobbed silently in my chair, I nodded in agreement. “


June 12th, 2001

6:42 PM

“So she emphasized how important it was for me to see a psychiatrist for immediate medical eval … and that I start group immediately … as in tomorrow night. She also agreed w/ my therapist that medical leave could make all the difference in my sanity. She said I have been living w/ this pain for too long … now is the time to get help and make myself better. I agreed, shaking and crying saying “i can’t do this another day … i can’t do this any more … i need it to stop”.

“I said I literally can not do this any more. I have done it day in and out for six months. I handled things just too well … I knew I had to crack some time and this is that time.”

June 13th, 2001

“I saw the psychiatrist today and well … that flew right by. I told him all my symptoms and he concluded that … he believes it’s bi polar disorder and really that didn’t surprise me. He went over what he could gather from the answers to the questions he had asked me and said he believed that that was indeed what was wrong w/ me. He proscribed Depakote which “Jedi” is taking for his migraines and which the neurologist also suggested for my seizures. He said that we’d just have to see what happens w/ it. He thinks that a neurochemical imbalance is causing the seizures and that the Depakote will help all my symptoms … all that are making normal life incredibly difficult for me. I am to take it twice a day and it is supposed to make me tired. After 3 weeks he wants to see how I am doing on the low dosage and we’ll adjust accordingly. “


June 20th, 2001

Wrote about being hospitalised for 24 hours and put on Depakote and Effexor. No clue the prior day about this coming. Did not indicate why I went to the hospital.


June 30th, 2001

“I am depressed. The meds will kick in they say and I’ll feel different. This is good because I can’t feel this way anymore … if I continue to get this depressed I will kill myself. I know I can’t pull myself up again and again. It’s hard to understand for those of you that are totally mentally healthy but I get so depressed that logic … no longer kicks in and all that matters is that I feel so horrible that I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. And then I get so manic that … I could conquer the world. It’s going to be a series of feelings I’ll both miss and be able to do w/o. I’m confused.”

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